Everyone has goals, but most people struggle to achieve theirs. With an abundance of technology, resources, knowledge and tool, with so many courses and coaches and books, how come most people fail to achieve their goals?
There are a number of fundamental errors people make in setting goals that keep them struggling and repeating the same mistakes. Below is each mistake and what to do about it.
1. Lack of Clarity
Most people who try to set goals never really get clear about what they want. Usually they know what they don't want, and what they don't want is vividly clear in their mind. Why? Because that's what they're getting! When you're having a certain experience, it's not easy to imagine having the opposite experience. When you're broke it tough to imagine money rolling in. When you're overweight and frustrated it's hard to imagine being thin. When you're alone it's tough to imagine the relationship of your dreams. But when we're taught to set goals, this is just what they tell us what to do. No one seems to notice that it's not easy to vividly imagine and focus something that's the direct opposite of your current, immediate and direct experience. People know what they don't want because it's staring them in the face and doesn't seem like it's going anywhere too soon.
But to get somewhere else, we must be able to clarify what it is we do want. We need to answer questions such as the following:
What do we want to be different?
How do we want to be different?
What do we want to be doing differently?
How do we want to feel different?
How do we want to be thinking differently?
If I tell you I want to stop smoking, quit overeating or end my drinking days, I haven't told you anything about what I do want, and good luck trying to get me to stop any of the above. What do you want instead? You might say you want to eat healthy, exercise more or go straight home after work (instead of to the bar), but none of those are specific. If I tell you to eat healthy, you are lost in ambiguity and will have to try to figure out just what that means. But if I tell you to buy 1% milk when you're in the dairy aisle at the grocery store, you'll know just what to do. This is the kind of clarity you need.
2. Formulating Goals as External Results
If people do get clear on what they want, usually they set goals for what they'd like to achieve or have. Goals like this may be motivating, but they are outlined in terms of an external result. This means your goal is to achieve something you cannot control.
An effective goal is one that is self-maintained, meaning that it is something entirely in your control. The most effective way I have found to set any goal is to state it and think of it in terms of behaviour. If I want to make a change in a certain situation, I outline what I want to be doing differently, how I want to be in that situation, and perhaps also how I'd like to be feeling and thinking. When you do it this way, it means that if you're not achieving it, you have to change something directly with you and in your behaviour. It's not some mystery out there - instead it's right here.
For example, if you want a better relationship with your spouse, clarify these questions:
How do you want to be different?
What do you want to be doing differently to get the responses you want?
How do you want to act so the interaction is the way you want it?
If you want to double your income in the next six months, clarify:
How do you want to be different?
What do you need to do differently?
What actions do you need to take?
This clear behavioural goal then becomes your outcome and aim. It gives you something you can aim for that is completely within your control, and this makes the feedback valuable to you as you change your behaviour.
An effective goal is a goal that is outlined as being in your control. Instead of clarifying what you want to get or have, outline what you want to be doing differently (your behaviour).
Most goal setting tells you to think of where you want to be and think big, but sometimes that 'where' is simply too far and too different from the status quo to be a useful goal. If your goal is too big and too far, first it might seem impossible, and second it might be hard to achieve from where you are. For example, if you're struggling with your self-worth and your goal is to be "totally confident," you're probably going to find it tough to make progress. If you have a big goal you're committed to, you'll need to "chunk it" with manageable "subgoals."
I remember working with a legal consultant who wanted to overcome "unfinished business" (as I call it) from her past. In one session I remember asking her what outcome we could agree on to help her move forward. She thought for a moment and said "unleashing my potential." I replied by asking, "And when you think of that, what would it be like to have that outcome? How does it settle?" Settle was the right word because she said that although it was what she wanted, it felt unsettling. I suggested that based on what we had uncovered and the work we had done that perhaps it wasn't time to unleash potential. I suggested that she set a more useful and proposed that a useful outcome at this point would be to heal the division inside and resolve the "unfinished business." By doing that, we could set a firm foundation that would prepare you to unleash your potential, I said. She thought about it and said it was true. She later said she left that session with a greater sense of peace inside.
To set and achieve goals effectively, we must size them correctly.
4. "Scepticizing"
It's exciting to set an outcome. You get enthused, hopeful and optimistic, and then you get cracking! But it's also easy to sink into disappointment at the first signs of trouble. Many people set goals and when anything less than what they wanted occurs, they give up. In the face of setbacks, obstacles and failures they fall into a pit of disillusionment. After a while they get their gusto back and repeat the process... a life-long goal-setting crazy 8.
This is a surefire way to fail. In NLP terminology this is a goal-setting style known as perfectionist-skeptic, describing the person who bounces between these extremes. But people who tend to succeeded at their goals don't do it this way.
People who tend to succeed set outcomes, expect failures and setbacks and use the information gained to refine and innovate their approach. The NLP word for this is optimization since they keep optimizing their modus operandi based on the results they get or don't get. When Edison was asked how he felt about failing so many times to invent the lightbulb, he said he hadn't failed, he'd only found 1000 ways to not invent the lightbulb. He was optimizing, and in the end, he did invent the lightbulb.
What does this mean? It means that failure is actually the way to success. Working towards goals is a learning process and the learning doesn't stop until you've got your goal (and maybe not even then).
If you want to get your goals, you've got to welcome obstacles, setbacks and "failures" as part of a learning process. The feedback you get on the way tells you what doesn't work so you can constantly optimize until you've got your outcome. I hope you have found this article useful. Return back to his page to read the next part of this article.
