Do you want to feel good about yourself? Do wish you could wake
up in the morning feeling happy about who you are, how your body feels,
what you're looking forward to accomplishing that day?
(Artwork my Elaine Daley see the collection at:
http://www.elainedaley.com/) Instead do
you wake up feeling dissatisfied, unworthy, with a dark cloud of low
mood and bad feelings hanging over you? Do you hear a voice inside
making predictions of doom, saying things like, "You never do things
right," or "You're going to mess up today like always"?
Perhaps
this inner critic has been with you as long as you can remember. You
might call it a self-sabotaging voice, or it might sound like one of
your parents has taken up residence in your head. You might even be
feeling desperate or despairing because it seems like, even though you
yearn for change, the truth is you will always feel this bad.
You
might be like John, who feels he doesn't have a right to have good
things happen to him, he doesn't deserve to feel better. You might be
like Alice, who wants to move forward in her life and make positive
changes, but feels like she gets stopped every time by negative
self-talk, an inner voice that says, "You don't have what it takes to do
that."
The inner critic is often harsh, relentlessly judgmental,
nagging, pushing, unforgiving and unkind. It uses words like "never" and
"always" -- as in, "You'll never get anywhere with your life," and
"You'll always be a failure." It's also very fond of the word "should,"
as in "You should go on a diet," or "You shouldn't be such a slob."
I
used to have an inner critic like this. My life felt stuck, I wasn't
doing what I wanted and needed to do, especially writing the book I was
longing to write. I was also overindulging in certain behaviors, and I
felt bad about myself. My constant companion was that blaming, nagging
inner voice: "You should get it together, you aren't doing enough,
you're a failure, you'll always be this way..." Sometimes it reminded me
of ways my father spoke to me, but my inner critic was meaner than my
father ever was.
But then I learned something that turned my life
around. I changed my relationship with that inner critical voice, and in
doing so, I also changed my life. I stopped procrastinating, finished
my book, got it published -- and today I have a thriving business, a
wonderful partner, and a happy life. I wake up in the morning loving my
life and looking forward to my day. Sound too good to be true?
If I can do it, so can you.
I
used to think I needed the inner critical voice to get me moving. I
thought that without the nagging and the name-calling I would never get
anything done. But it was the other way around. That inner criticism was
exactly what was in my way. The inner criticizing brought out an inner
rebellious part of me that didn't want to do anything. The inner critic
was a key part of what kept me stuck.
So what's the secret to
turning your life around? Two things. One, the inner critic is actually
worried, and that's why it's talking that way.
Two, the real you
is bigger than the inner critic, bigger than the inner rebel -- big
enough to be compassionate to that very worried part of you that is
criticizing because it's so worried.
"It's worried? Really? But it
sounds so angry, so disdainful, so sure of itself." Yes, and that's how
people sound when they are worried because something is urgent but they
feel fairly powerless. Imagine what a mother might say to a teenage
daughter who is leaving the house dressed in a way that worries her.
"You'll catch your death of cold" is the mildest. Or, "People will think
you're a slut." These are expressions of
worry. The parent is saying what he or she is worried will happen -- in other words, what he or she
doesn't want
to happen to the daughter. See how that works? Because the parent is so
worried, the worry comes out like a statement of fact, a prediction of
exactly what the parent doesn't want.
Let's try this out on the inner critic. It says, "You will fail." It's actually
worried
that you will fail. It says, "You don't have what it takes." It's
actually worried you don't have what it takes. It says, "You're going to
mess up today." It's actually worried you're going to mess up today.
What about when it says you "should" or "should not" do this or that? It's worried
what will happen to you
if you don't do or if you keep doing what it's talking about. If it
says, "You should quit smoking," it's worried what will happen to you if
you don't quit smoking. And so on.
And what about when it makes
blanket statements of disdain like, "You're nothing," or "You'll always
fail just like you always have." In these cases it's worried that the
truth about you is that you're nothing or you'll always fail. It doesn't
really want that to be true, it's just worried that it is.
The
inner critic actually doesn't want the things it's worried about to
happen. This is tragic, because it sounds like it does. It sounds like
it's pronouncing the truth instead of expressing its worries. That's
because it feels desperate, out on a limb, and all alone in what it's
worried about.
That's where my second secret comes in: that
you
are bigger than what's bugging you. When we hear that inner critical
voice in our heads, we often feel small, weak, low, ashamed, unworthy.
That's because we're getting identified with a part of us that believes
the criticism and sinks under it. But we don't have to identify with a
part. We can choose to identify instead with our larger self, the
compassionate and fearless one who we really are.
How would you
treat a worried, scared part of you if you were not afraid of it? With
compassion and kindness, and also with curiosity because it might have
something important to say.
Try this: When the critical voice
appears, remember that you are larger than it is, larger in every way:
big-hearted, generous, fearless, and able to see and understand a bigger
picture. Then turn toward it, and say to it, "Sounds like you might be
worried about something." Just doing this much often creates a big shift
in that inner criticizing part of you. You'll probably start to feel
its worry, and that's a good thing, because what it's worried about
isn't set in stone, it's something you have the power to do something
about.
Start by telling this worried part of you that you really
hear how worried it is. Invite it to tell you what its deepest worry is,
at the heart of everything. It will probably say it's worried you won't
do well, that you'll suffer too much, or that you won't accomplish what
you were born to do. See how it's really on your side! In this process
you will notice it start to sound kinder, more protective. At the same
time you'll feel your own confidence growing, confidence that you are
larger than your worries and fears.
The good news is that even if
you don't feel large and compassionate toward the critical voice, you
will become that way when you act as if you are.
Turn with
compassion and curiosity toward the parts of you that feel critical,
invite them to tell you what they're worried about, and you'll be amazed
at how much better you start to feel, and how fast your life starts to
get moving again.
Turn your passion for life into a mission at: http://www.personality-development.net/
Once you have learned about
the Law of Attraction and decide to take steps to use it more
effectively in your life, you should congratulate yourself. But don't
stop there. You need to take positive action to ensure that you stay on
the right track. You will notice that a person who stops to take
inventory of their life and finds that they are doing things that are
not helping them to achieve their goals, and then tries to "right the
ship" begins to feel as if things are falling into place for them. As
they try to make improvements in their life, beneficial things come to
them. They have made a decision to improve. They focus on what they need
to do, and then they take positive action to ensure that they achieve
what they have been wanting. Let's look at this from the perspective of
trying to lose weight.
